Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
