is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
