It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
