so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
