Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
