It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
why do cheetos always look like penises
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
