dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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