Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
