Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
