I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
