my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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