A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
