Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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