After last night, I could never be a politician.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You left your phone here
Wait...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
