idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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