I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
