you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
