ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
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