Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
