Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
cat food counts as protein by the way
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
