I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
