Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
