Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
