apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
40s are totally the cure
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
