They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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