listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
