Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
