Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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