I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize
