Michael Bay diarrhea
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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