I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
