They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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