I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
