You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm passing your future prison.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You took a bar mat shot.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
