So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
