nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
