I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
