just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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