he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
