There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
