So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
