I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
