Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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