no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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