so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
