On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
