dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
