I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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