I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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