yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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